DEERLY DEPARTED
A comedic noir spoof.
THE SETUP:
Yeah, I had fucked up pretty bad. Let a dame lead me wrong. Blew a case big time. But transferring me to the friggin’ end of the earth? That was cold.
And it was more than cold in this frozen wasteland of snow and ice. Nothing for miles outside of the massive facility I was now stuck patrolling. Residences, indoor crops, and of course the factory--all built into the complex that stretched like a cubic, manmade octopus. Maybe it was just my attitude, but it felt like a prison. A rainbow-colored prison with manically cheery music and twinkle lights.
And elves. Fuckin’ elves. Everywhere you turn.
Gave me the yips.
Anyway, apart from the Jolly Fat Fuck on his annual jaunt, only the flying venison got outside of the walls. So, it wasn’t hard to narrow down the suspects in the murder of the slayed sleigh team lug.
Yup: Donner was a goner. He’d been gored so many times he looked like an ad for a new kind of Swiss cheese. One with blood and fur as the primary ingredients.
I pulled the reindeer in for questioning…
THE INTEROGATIONS
“He was an egotistical, chauvinist asshole,” Vixen spat between drags on the cigarette she made some poor elf on a stool hold for her. “Always trying to rut with me, ya know?”
I didn’t, but I suppose to some she was a looker…if you’re into that doe-eyed type.
“But I didn’t kill him,” she added. “Thought about it a million times, but wouldn’t want to chip a hoof on account that prick, ya know?”
***
“I mean, yeah, we all kinda hated him,” Dasher admitted. “Always bitching about how he shoulda been leading the team instead of Rudolph. I said: ‘You got a schnoz that can light the way? No? Then, shut up!’ But he never let it go. Like a doper. Made him miserable to be around. I asked Santa to move me to the back of the reigns, which he did, thank god.”
***
“Ja, eets too sad,” Blitzen sighed, kicking snow with his forehoof. His insincerity reeked almost as much as the sauerkraut on his breath. “He vasn’t particularly vell liked,” he amended. “But nobody vants to hear about zeir compatriot getting offed. Even eef he vas a bit of an Arschloch.”
I didn’t speak German, but I got the gist.
***
“He was a brute. No doubt about it,” Prancer said, shaking his head with a sigh. “But it was kinda sexy, too, in a way” he added with a nervous giggle.
“Prancer,” Dancer blurted, his mouth open in shock. They had refused to leave each other’s side for my interrogations.
“Oh, you know you thought so, too, sweety” Prancer said.
Dancer turned away, huffing.
“And, anyway,” Prancer added. “You know you’re the only stag for me, baby!”
Dancer just shook his head. Rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on, baby,” Prancer whined. Then, with a flirtatious lilt: “Give Daddy some snout!”
Dancer cracked a smile and turned back. And then they…uh…snouted.
Never need to see that again.
***
“This is very upsetting, you know. Having you here, questioning us all,” Comet spouted, words coming fast, like he was a chipmunk on crack. “Does that mean you haven’t gotten any forensic evidence to identify the killer? Is that it? Is that what all this is about?”
“Nothing concrete,” I said. “We can’t match the puncture marks to any one set of antlers because none of the marks are clear enough. The killer wrenched around inside the vic, so the wounds are all misshapen, gaping holes.”
“Well, what about tine slivers? Hoofprints?”
“No shards…and snow buried any hoofprints. And who’s the detective here, anyway, buddy?”
“Excuse me?! I’m getting interrogated and you’re throwing attitude?! You know, I may not be versed on the gumshoe scene, but don’t think the dick is supposed to be on the defensive.”
Good thing I’m hard-boiled or there’d have been another murder right then.
***
“I didn’t do it! I don’t know anything about anything,” Cupid said, shivering like a scared Chihuahua.
I kinda felt sorry for her. I used my ‘Nice Cop’ tone. “I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just talking to everybody to try to get a clear picture of things.”
“I would never kill anybody! I mean, if I did, it would probably have been Donner…but I didn’t!”
“So, he wasn’t your favorite reindeer?”
“I don’t think he was anybody’s favorite reindeer. Picking fights with the guys. Always sniffing up us ladies. Donner was a pig! Which for a deer is just wrong!”
***
“What did the others tell you?”
“Well, Rudolph,” I started. “It seems like most of the other reindeer didn’t have a very high opinion of Donner. That true for you, too?”
“Well…he wasn’t always very nice to the rest of us.”
“No?”
“No.”
“What did he do?”
Rudolph looked nervous. Ashamed.
“You can tell me. It’s okay.”
“He started fights. Mistreated the does something awful.”
“What about you?
“Me?”
“He do anything to you?”
Rudolph let out a half-choked laugh. “What didn’t he do? He never liked me. Right from the start. Used to laugh at me. Call me names. Wouldn’t let me play with him and the other guys. I mean, they would have let me, but he was like the big cheese. The ringleader. Nobody crossed him. And I was new, ya know? Last rung on the ladder. So, I just swallowed it all.”
Poor guy. I had the feeling this was the first time he’d ever really talked about this with anyone. And now it was all coming out.
“Then when Santa made me the team leader, Donner just went nuts. He changed. He started taking it out on everybody. Suddenly it wasn’t just me. He was lashing out at everyone. He wasn’t just a bully anymore. He was...evil. I caught him one night cornering Cupid in the far barn. She was trapped. She kept telling him to go away. But he just laughed. I could see the tears in her eyes. I came forward and told him to stop. He turned to me and laughed some more. That same laugh I’d heard for years.
‘Awwww. Rudork is tryin’ ta be a hero,’ he brayed.
‘Just leave her alone,’ I said.
Then his eyes narrowed and he snorted like some kind of wild beast. Came toward me.
‘Run, Cupid,’ I cried. ‘Run!’
And she did.
‘I’ll meet you outside the gates at midnight,’ Donner said.”
Rudolph bowed his head. Shook it slowly. Fought to keep going.
“I knew he meant to kill me. But I agreed.”
He looked back up.
“Cupid told the others about what happened. They all came to me as one. Well, Vixen stayed with Cupid, to keep her calm. But the others came. Said I couldn’t go.”
Then, after swallowing a lump, he added: “Not alone.”
Well, shit. I can add two and two.
“So, you all did it. Group effort.”
Rudolph looked like he might fall apart. Tears welled in his eyes.
“Please. You just gotta look the other way. You can’t take us to prison! It takes at least eight reindeer to fly the sleigh! Without us, Christmas will be ruined! Think of those little boys and girls!”
“There aren’t any other flying reindeer?”
“No,” Rudolph sniffed. “That’s just a myth.”
This was a pickle. A frozen pickle. See justice done and destroy the dreams of children around the world. Or allow murderers to get off scot-free?
I told Rudolph I’d give him and his furry felons my answer shortly. I needed time to make my decision.
THE WRAP UP
You’ll be pleased (or not) to know that Christmas proceeded as usual. Squeaking elves scuttling everywhere, the Jolly Fat Fuck mounting the sleigh full of toys, and eight reindeer taking flight into the polar night.
Me?
I had venison for a month.
So, everybody won.
Except Donner.
And fuck him.
Merry Christmas.
That gave me a good laugh. Great stuff.
HAHA everything about this was great.